I struggle to speak what I feel. For once, I am afraid to write, to say, to even acknowledge the vast amount of stuff I am feeling. I stick with what is safe and known, quietly burying it all, and I hate that I am doing that, but I fear more the lack of compassion I will get for speaking my truth. I fear that life will unravel and I will fall into the desires of all around me and get lost again. I feel like I am being such a traitor to myself. Last night, a burst of emotion took over and I so much wanted to get completely lost in it, just to let it all go... instead, as assurances were made by my loving husband, I found myself swallowing it all down, my eyes leaking with the pressure, my sinuses seething in rebellion for the silence I created. In it was even a tiny murmur of self loathing, something I hadn't felt in a very long time. Part of me wondered if I had just been able to let it all go, without any influence or words around me, if I might never have come back, of if I would have found a tender peace in having had my cry in all it's depth as I was feeling it.

I met two friends for the first of "Artist dates" as we try to regroup from the Artist's Way Workshop we finished back in early April. There I sat gathering up pieces from the last few weeks of my life, and my friend Catherine could read into my face more than I thought I was showing. It is hard to hold in the deep sadness I feel, and I enjoyed the distractions of artful chatter. But, Catherine knows without me really talking, that my eyes are like that of an animal cornered, looking for a place to run. My sister knows, as she posts a blog to remind me: "Each condition I flee from pursues me, Each condition I welcome transforms me..." Even she reminds me that I can't keep hidden from her what I feel, though doing so would surely make it easier to isolate and retract. I cower at the edge, afraid to jump, or offer it all to the universe to carry me. For as much Joy as I feel every day, there is an equal amount of sadness and struggle. These feelings so vast and spread before me it almost appears there is no end...

Labels: thoughts